Secrets
by tauphe
Summary: Having grown up being forced to retreat inside himself in order to survive the darkness that seemed to leak out of the walls of his house, Sirius knew that no one was ever as perfect as they pretend to be. That everyone, even Lily Evans, had secrets.
1. Chapter 1

**This story contains mentions of abuse, self harm, _actual_ abuse, probably some torture and sex, in which the latter is not very detailed. Over all, some very dark and mature themes. If this isn't your cup of tea, leave, and don't let the door hit you on the way out. Rating may go up _when _and _if_ I feel it is necessary.**

**Thank you to all my devoted readers and reviewers. :D Thanks for putting up with my slow review pace. This story is very hard to write.**

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**One.  
_Here Are Your Answers_.**

. ... .

Lily Evans.

The name is associated with purity. Innocence. Beauty.

From the outside, Lily is all of these things. She is nice and she is popular, and people go to her with their problems and she smiles and makes them feel better. She becomes friends easily with everyone, no matter what house they were in(except the Slytherins. They were a bit difficult), but no matter how many friends she had, she never really talked to them about her problems.

There were things like "I can't believe I failed that essay," or "I wish Slughorn would leave me alone," but never anything real important, like the problems people went to her with.

Most people shrugged it off. She was Lily Evans. Maybe she had no problems. Maybe her life was as perfect as her ivory skin and graceful red curls and her brilliantly green eyes.

Sirius, though, wasn't buying it.

Having come from a family where to show what you were really feeling was considered weak, having grown up being forced to retreat inside himself in order to survive the darkness that seemed to leak out of the walls of his house, he knew that no one was ever as perfect as they pretend to be. That everyone, even Lily Evans, had secrets. Painful ones. And, because of the fact that she chose to hide them instead of showing them, they were probably all the more painful.

He never understood how James was able to overlook the saddness that every so often flashed in those eyes that everyone always complimented. How, sometimes during the middle of class, her hands would start to shake and her eyes would be pained, as though her head was about to explode. How during those times, she would raise her hand and Slughorn(or McGonagall, or Binns, or any other teacher, really) would give her permission to go to the bathroom and she'd come back five minutes later, looking calmer and she would walk with the slightest bit of a limp.

How could he say that he was in love with the beautiful girl that Lily was, but not notice these things?

. ... .

Lily found herself falling behind on her schoolwork again. It seemed like a constant battle to keep her head above water these days. Her first years of Hogwarts had come so easy to her, and she had gotten herself a reputation of a brilliant student. That reputation was now laughing as it attempted to choke the life out of her, because she was no longer the little, happy Gryffindor she was when she had first come to Hogwarts.

She didn't know when things had started to always be so tired, but she suspected it was right after her friendship with Severus came to an abrupt, painful end a little less then one year ago. The second that that word had come from his lips. That was the day that she became tired.

Her mum and dad are in danger every moment of every day - Pettie, too - and she wonders in a detached, numb, and tired (tired of fear and anxiety and glittering black-and-white Dark Marks twirling and twisting their way through the stars) way if she would have said 'no' to magic and unicorns and chess pieces you could argue strategy with if she had known that it was a package deal. A deal where blood matters and death haunts for free.

She signed away everything she could have been at the age of eleven. And it killed her.

She knew that it wasn't right to be so angry and unhappy with her lot. She was a witch, for goodness sake. Some muggles would kill to be in her position.

All she wanted was to go back. Go back to when she thought it was cool to float to the ground so gracefully, not magical. Back to when her sister didn't hate her, and back to when her life made sense. Back to when everything--living, breathing, reading, smiling--didn't hurt.

That was when she felt it. The big bad wolf from that faerietale her mum used to tell her started clawing itself out of her chest, twisting her intestines around and pulling while simultaniously howling in her head until she thought her eyes would shoot from their sockets to relieve the pressure. Her chest clamped tightly, and she found that it was almost impossible to breathe. Her heart clammered painfully.

No, no, no...Lily thought desperately, as she struggled for breath, looking around the library. Not here. Not in her one sanctuary. This could not happen here. Anywhere but this place. In this place, she was safe. Safe from Severus's dark, blank stares during Potions class, safe from the flirtations that made her skin crawl exhibited from Potter, and safe from this.

She stood up quickly, in such a way that she almost knocked the chair out from behind her, and grabbed her wand. She left her other things there in her haste, and walked through the twisted isles of books, and heading towards the exit, trying to remember to breathe. Breathe. Just breathe, and don't pass out.

Normally, she could feel it coming on. The pain in her chest, and then the difficulty to breathe. She would push past it for a little while, and try to ignore it. Then her hands would start to shake, and her head would start to hurt, and the breathing became all the more difficult. That would be when she raised her hand and exited the classroom to do the deed in the bathroom.

But it was different this time. It hit her all at once, smacking at her head in such a way that, once she exited the library, she took off at a run.

She came to stop at Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Without thinking twice, she went into it, closing the door behind her. She and Myrtle had come to an agreement long ago. Lily would listen to her problems every now and then, and whenever Myrtle saw Lily come in looking like she did now, she would go to one of the other bathrooms and give her some privacy.

This was Lily's favorite bathroom. No one came to this bathroom. They seemed to find it's depressing demeanor too much, and stayed away from it. That was the exact reason she came to it to do this.

She looked around, checking only briefly for people there. There never was.

Lily walked over to the mirrors across the way from the door, and ripped her school cloak up, and propped up her knee on the edge of the sink. She hitched up her cloak again, for a clearer veiw of her leg. She paused for a moment, looking.

It looks like lace, twirling around her thighs. Dark purple in color, beautiful(to her) in decoration. They were really the only thing about her that she liked.

Only the finest scars for legs like these.

The thought popped into her head as she looked at them, and a giggle escaped her lips. And then another, until she was giggling like crazy and sounded insane in her own ears. She didn't know how, but suddenly there were tears coming from the very eyes everyone loved, and they didn't want to stop.

She lifted her wand, looking at it for a moment.

"_Venas_," she muttered, and watched as her wand glowed for a moment, before returning to normal. The laughter had stopped, and she lowered the tip of her wand to the skin on her leg, pressing down and carving a small curve into her leg. It wasn't as deep as they normally were, having sliced only down to the white.

She waited for a moment, waiting for something. She felt a small tingle of feeling, as the blood began to spot in the cut. She watched for a moment as the small curve of a slice filled with the red liquid, before oozing over onto the rest of her skin.

Deciding that she needed more then a tingle, she took the tip and pressed down roughly, deciding that, just this one time, she could cut without a specific design in her head. She had to get back to her homework, afterall. She wretched her hand sideways, and gasped as the feeling hit her almost instantaneously. The howling in her head stopped. Her chest unclamped, and her hands stopped shaking. Just like that, she was able to function again.

She jerked in surprise when blood spurted up out of the cut, like it did in really bad muggle movies, leaving dots of red liquid on the sink, and mirror.

Lily lifted her head to look at the mess she had caused(she didn't know why, but the fact that she had spurted blood, actually _spurted_ blood, was too amusing to contemplate) on the mirror when she froze.

Two dark blue, terrified eyes stared back at her. His handsome face was etched with disgust and terror.

"My god, Lily. What are you doing?" Sirius asked, his voice reflecting his horror.

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**Review please.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm glad at least a few people like this. Please know that it's set during her sixth year. I'm don't know if it's going to be compliant to the HP series. Quite possibly, it will be. Also, I've noticed not a lot of people are understanding this, which frusterates me, because I want my writing to be understandable. Let's clear some things up, right now.**

**Venas(the spell Lily used in Chapter One) in Latin literally means to cut open your flesh/vein. She casted the spell, making her want glow, and then used the wand similarly to how a person would use a razor to cut themselves. Meaning that Lily was, yes, cutting herself, and yes, Sirius walked in on her doing it, which explains why he was so horrified. I hope that clears things up.**

**Self-harm is an important issue. I myself have struggled with it, as have my best friend, mother and grandmother.**

**NOTE: I had to reupload this, as the Life had run out without me noticing**

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**Two.  
_These Are All The Things You Don't Understand._**

**. ... .**

"This is the girl's bathroom, Black." Lily said, rather coldly, her green eyes like ice as she looked at him via the mirror. Quickly, she muttered a quick spell to seal the cut, and then set her leg down, letting her school cloak fall back down, covering all view of her scarred legs.

"What were you doing?" Sirius asked, his voice abnormally quiet.

Lily paused. "Taking ten points away from Gryffindor for you being in here. Excuse me, I've got schoolwork," Lily said in the same cold voice. She attempted to move past him, but he wouldn't move. "Excuse me," she repeated again, her voice still hard.

"No. What were you doing?" he repeated.

"Sirus! Move!" she snapped at him, raising her voice slightly. The fact that he wouldn't get out of her way was making her heart pound. She was so embarrassed. Why had he come in here? Had he been following her? The entire situation was making her want to scream in frustration. This was...this was hers.

"What were you doing?" he repeated, raising his voice as well, only his was much more intimdating then hers. She wanted to run and hide in a stall, while standing on the toilet so he couldn't see her feet.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor! Move!"

"I'm not moving until you tell me what you were doing, Evans." Sirius said, his dark blue eyes flashing as he repositioned his head to a move comfortable angle, and he casually crossed his arm, blocking her way.

Was he really going to make her say it? Though she loved it when she was alone, the shame that filled her when she faced the situation of having to tell someone made her feel physically sick.

"Lily."

"You already know what I was doing, Black. You were watching me. Don't make me say it," she said, the words coming out before she had even considered them; word vomit.

"You were cutting yourself." Not a question; a statement. Statements did not require an answer.

"Please move, now. I really do have homework," she said, as she pushed by him lightly. Much to her surprise, he stepped sideways, and allowed her to pass without another word.

She went back to the library, and looked at her things sitting there, completely untouched. Just like she knew they would be. No one would steal from Lily Evans. She was too nice to steal from. Too nice to even really notice. The weight of that truth crashed down on her, and she felt the traitor tears start to blur up her vision. Quickly, she packed her books into her bag, before throwing the bag over her shoulder and rushing out of the library.

She didn't notice the dark blue eyes, watching her rushed retreat from the library, saddened by what they had seen.

**. ... .**

Lily didn't know what time it was. All she knew was that it was dark, and she was the only one in her dormitory, which made her guess that it was dinner time. She probably should go eat something, but she couldn't find the will to. She would have to deal with the flirtations that made her feel even more disgusting then normal from Potter, or maybe even a look of revulsion, if Sirius had told him what he had seen sweet little Lily doing in the bathroom, which he probably had.

She was a freak. And now the one person that found her desirable would know it.

Maybe that would be a good thing. Without Potter drawing attention to her all the time, she could quietly fade into the background. Become part of the scenery, instead of the main focus. And then maybe she could fade out completely, disappearing into mist like she was never even there.

Oh, how great it would be to be gone. Be gone from magic, be gone from this school, be gone from Pettie's hate, be gone from the distance that had grown between her and her family. To be gone from...everything.

Would she really be missed?

Maybe by Breanne Slintrot, when she came to Lily with her and Xenophilius Lovegood's problems that mostly consisted about where they could possibly find a Blibbering Humdinger on school grounds. Or possibly Molly Prewett when she came crying to her after she had had another nightmare about how she feared her brothers, Gideon and Fabian, where going to die, while fighting Voldemort. Maybe Lupin would miss her studying with him the rare times she did so nowadays.

Without warning, the sobs that had been threatening to escape from her lips all day spilled out, broken and raspy. Her hands gripped at the sheets and blankets of her four poster, and she shoved the material into her face to quiet her cries. She screamed, over and over, the sound muffled by the blanket.

She hated when she cried. She felt so much more weak and pathetic then she already did, and the feeling crawled up her throat and mucked up her breathing until she thought her head was to explode. She uncurled her fist, and ripped open the drapes that had been pulled around her bed.

Lily walked over to one of her roomate's side of the room, standing in front of the dresser that she had by her bed. It was filled with things like pictures of her and her mom, or sister, or boyfriend. Notes littered the wood, as well as shampoo bottles and perfume in glass containers.

She picked up the picture of her roomate and her roomate's sister, standing together, making multiple funny faces at the camera, before looking at eachother and laughing, the way wizard photos did. Lily used to be like this with her sister. She used to be close, and would share secrets. Now she was a freak. A miserable, disgusting freak who was a stain on her sister's reputation.

Anger, hot and frightening, ignited in her throat. She threw the picture at the wall, taking a sick satisfaction when she heard the glass break into a bunch of pieces. Lily took her arms, and ran them along the length of her roomate's dresser, shoving everything off with one angry push, sending everything to the floor in a mess of broken glass and loud thuds.

Lily stood there for a moment, breathing heavily, as she looked at the mess she had made of her roomate's portion of the room. After a few moments of staring, she realized that she wasn't angry at her roomate for having a good family. She was angry at herself for not. And with that, she walked over to her bedside table to get her wand, and flicked it at the pile wordlessly. It all went back to the dresser, repaired as if she had never touched it.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, she smiled humorlessly. If only she could fix everything she had ruined as easily as a simple flick of her wand.

**. ... .**

The next morning, Lily woke up smeared in her own blood from the waist down, with her stomach growling uncomfortably.

She hadn't left her dormitory the previous night after her little episode, instead choosing to carve more bloody twirls and curls into her legs with her magically-sharpened wand. She hadn't sealed them up before she went to bed because the pain helped her sleep, and they weren't deep enough to make her bleed to death, like yesterday's cut had been. Now, though, she reached out through the curtains of her four-poster, and grabbed her wand. She pointed it at the series of cuts, muttering a simple disinfectant spell on them, before closing them. She swished her wand at her body, Disappearing the stain on her porcelain skin as well as her sheets.

She kicked her legs over the bed, and stood up. Like normal, a dull ache of the pain shot through her body. She knew it wasn't anything to worry about. Her mind thought the cuts should still be there, so the nerves were sending pain signals. She compared the feeling of how a soldier could get his foot blown off in a war, and then could come home and feel like he had to scratch the very foot that got blown off.

Lily dressed, throwing on her school skirt and button-up white shirt, as well as the school cloak with the Gryffindor emblem upon it. She went to her dresser table, and picked up her hairbush, running it through her scarlett curls. This pattern was methodical; she went through them as if she were in a haze. Not quite here, but not quite able to escape to another place. She lifted her wand to her mouth, and preformed the standard toothbrushing spell that she had done everyday but the days of summer vacation since she was eleven.

She lifted up the same bookbag, and walked down the same sets of stairs. She walked through the same groups of students, and walked out the same portrait hole of the same Fat Lady.

The Great Hall was filled with chatter when she walked in. Lily had half-expected the people to stop talking and watch her like the freak she was as she walked to her table.

So maybe Black hadn't told, afterall. What was he up to?

She sat down at the end of the table, a plate appearing in front of her. Without excitement, she spooned some scrambled eggs onto her plate. She picked up her fork and pushed them around, not really interested in eating them. She was much more interested in watching the people around her laughing, talking, whispering. Having fun. Her emerald green eyes watched them in a detached kind of way, like a scientist and an experiement.

When had she stopped being one of Them? When had she started feeling as though she were an outsider?

"You going to eat those eggs, Evans? Or are you just going to push them around?" came an all too familiar voice. Lily didn't even have to look over her shoulder to see who it was that came around and sat across from her. James Potter, as well as...

Lily stiffened slightly. As well as his best mate, Sirius Black. Oh, hell.

"No answer? Then you don't mind if I have a bite, do you?" he asked, taking her fork lightly out of her hands, and spearing a fluffy bit of egg. "Yum. Here, try some," Potter said, as he speared another bit of egg, holding it up to her mouth. Lily looked at the offending piece of egg, and then at Sirius. He was watching her, as if he expected--no, demanded her to eat it. What, if she ate the damn egg, then what happened yesterday would somehow become less important?

She returned her gaze back to Potter's dark brown one, and narrowed her eyes. She smacked his hand away, sending the fork scattering onto the plate next to her.

"I'm a big girl, Potter. I'll eat when I want to," she said coldly, as she stood up, and grabbed her bag. Hadn't she just gotten here? And yet she was leaving again.

James seemed surprised by her aggressive behavior. "I was just worried about you, Lily," he told her, sounding as though he was trying not to say the wrong thing.

"Save your worry for someone else. Someone who needs it," and then she was throwing her bag over her shoulder and leaving the Great Hall without breakfast and in a bad mood.

She headed to the owlery, deciding to write her parents a letter. She felt obligated to once or twice every month. She would have sent more, but she lied through her teeth in these letters; they made her feel filthy.

After writing of her classes and large amounts of homework, she told them that she would have to stay for the Christmas Holidays, for Prefect duties. Of course, this was another lie. She just didn't think she could be in the house for two weeks with her sister. She finished off the letter saying she hoped they were well and best wishes to Pettie.

"So this is where you ran off to to hide," came a voice from the corner, near the entrance. She looked over her shoulder to see Sirius, standing in the doorway, arms crossed and leaning against it.

Lily ignored him as she looked for a suitiable owl to send her letter on. Finally, she found one, and lured it down with some owl treats she had picked up at the entrance. The tawny-brown owl stuck out it's leg, and Lily tied the envelope onto it, watching as the bird flew off.

"Can we talk?" he asked, when she didn't respond.

"I'd rather we didn't, Sirius," she told him, as she picked up her bag that had been deposited on the floor.

"You can't expect to not give me any answers after what I saw yesterday, Lily," he said, incrediously.

Lily mashed her teeth together. So now she owed him something, did she? If he hadn't followed her in the first place, then he wouldn't have seen anything. It was his own damn fault, not hers. She didn't need to tell him a damn thing.

As she went to walk by him, he grabbed her wrist, "Lily! Do you really expect I'll let you leave without answering me?" he snapped, now sounding slightly angry.

Lily's emerald eyes flashed to him, and her mouth twisted. For a second, she felt as though she were going to cry, but the anger she felt overpowered it. "Ugh! Get your hands off of me, Black!" she said, ripping her wrist out of his grip. He looked mildly shocked, but didn't grab for her again.

"I just want--"

"You know what I expect? I expect that tonight, you and Katie Kruse will be in the spare room on the fifth floor, having obnoxiously loud sex like you always do on the night I have patrol. I expect that tomorrow, you and James will pick on Severus, and I expect by the end of the week, everything will go back to exactly the way it always was for you." Lily said, her voice leaking with venom. "I also expect that you back away from the doorway so I can go to my first class."

Sirius didn't move, instead choosing to look nonchalant.

"Why do you do it, Lily? Cut yourself? I mean, are you a masochist or something? Because I can tell you a lot better ways to get that urge out then cutting--"

"I'm not a masochist, Sirius. Move now." Lily said, with a sigh.

"Well, okay then. Not masochistic. Then why? Are you looking for attention or something?" he asked, and before she realized what she was doing, her fist came into forceful contact with his jaw, catching him off guard.

"Lily, what the hell--?!" Sirius asked, as he stummbled back.

"Screw you, Black." The words came for her lips as she shoved past him, knocking him out of the way.

"Lily, c'mon! Don't be mad! I just don't understand why--"

"You don't have to understand! Go to hell," she called over her shoulder, as she hastily hurried down the stone steps, leaving a fusterated and confused Sirius behind her.

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**I know some of you might not like the ending of this chapter, but next one will start to pick up. I just had to lay the groundwork. Reviews are love.**


	3. Chapter 3

**AUTHORS NOTE: Had to reupload this for the same reason as number 2.**

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**Three.  
_Soft Like Fire._**

. ... .

She's sitting there and she's cutting again. Poor, hopeless little Lily, sad and unattainable in her supposed perfection. Because that's what this is; the blood that glosses down her leg, bubbling out of her veins and staining her snowy white skin pink. Perfection. If any one would ever find out, they would pity her. She could almost hear their pitying voices, expressing sorrow for the pain poor, hopeless little Lily was going through, speaking in her head, growing louder and louder until she almost felt the need to vomit.

She almost wishes that everyone could see her the way she was now. Broken, bleeding, and beautiful. But they won't. She would go to sleep, and tomorrow she would wake up and close her wounds, clean the pink stain off of her skin, and pretend that she wasn't

completely out of control.

. ... .

_Are you looking for attention or something?_

The words that Sirius had said to her were playing over and over in her mind, distracting her even more from her already failing studies.

Who did he think he was? He followed her into the girl's bathroom, saw her self harming, and now she was looking for attention? How was that...possible? It's not like she had been ripping herself open in the library; that would have been asking to be caught.

Lily knew this, in her logical way of thinking. But beneath that logical way of thinking, where her heart was, Sirius' words had hurt her. She never wanted his attention, never wanted to worry him. Never wanted to be in this position to start with.

But she was, and it wasn't Sirius' fault, as much as she wanted it to be. Yes, he had followed her, but if she hadn't been hurting herself, then nothing would have come of it. She had no reason to be angry at Sirius, really. Had she really expected him to understand? That would be almost impossible, because really, how many people hurt themselves on purpose?

"Lily? Lily Evans?" a voice came from behind her, and she was pulled out of her thoughts, back into the corner of the library she had isolated herself to, where she was supposed to be studying. You would think that with as much time as she had spent in this place, she would be getting better grades. Whatever. She looked over her shoulder, seeing Adrienne Abbott standing a few feet behind her, looking nervous.

"Ahh..yes?" Lily asked, with difficulty due to the fact that she could practically feel the fact that Adrienne didn't want to be talking to her right now. She was looking over her shoulder, and her eyes were shifting constantly. Once Lily waited for a few akward moments, she cleared her throat, trying to bring Adrienne back to what she was going to ask. "Yes?" she repeated again.

"Oh! Sorry. I got distracted. Uhh...could you take my patrol shift tonight? I know it's short notice, and it's not your night, but I can make it up to you, maybe. Like, take one of your shifts later, or something..." she managed, fidgeting in her spot.

Lily blinked, wondering what had this girl so wound up. "Ahh..uhm, sure. You're the eleven o'clock shift tonight, right?" Lily asked. Adrienne nodded enthusiastically. "Sure," Lily repeated, and Adrienne smiled happily.

"Thanks!" she said, before practically running away, towards the door. Lily's eyes followed her, and watched as Gabian Manders came out from where Lily assumed he had been waiting. They linked hands, and left the library hurriedly. Lily smiled slightly, wishing that she could be as carefree as the Abbott girl.

. ... .

When eleven o'clock came, she had opened the door to the Gryffindor Common Room, and had stepped out into the deserted hallway. The portrait shut behind her with a soft click, and she was enveloped in a world of dark and quiet. The only light was the gentle moonlight that streaked through the window, touching everything with a silvery glow.

Lily sighed, and then smiled. She liked the halls like this. Quiet, and peaceful. Detached, but still relatable. Beautiful in it's simplicity and silence. Tonight, even the ghosts and Peeves were silent. Lily was thankful for that.

There were no disruptions until she reached the fifth floor. That was when she heard it. A single, long and sensual moan. She froze, before anger took over her. She had heard that moan before. Many times. Did they do this every night? Why did she always have to listen to it? She was sick of it.

She walked down the hallway, making her way to the spare rooms that were the source of the moans, which were growing louder and more frequent. They could have at least had the decency to put a silencing charm up. Stupid.

Just as she was about to open the door, the familiar husky voice stopped her.

"Be quiet," it said. The tone was not angry; it was soft, hopeful.

"..What why do I have to be quiet, Sirius?" came Katie's voice, breathless and confused. "You normally like--"

"Shh. Don't talk, please." he said, and suddenly the sound of bodies moving against eachother could be heard, even through the door. The soft, but firm sound of skin against skin, two bodies becoming one.

Such a fasination had come over Lily. She had never heard Sirius sound like that before. It made her heart hammer unevenly. Plus, she had never before seen something like this before. Plus, she had been forced to listen to it since last year. If Katie kept coming back, there had to be something special about it to some people, right? With trembling hands, she lightly pushed the door open, just slightly, glad it didn't squeak.

Lily bit down on her lip, hard, when she saw what was going on. There they were, sprawled out on the long desks that two people shared during class. Sirius was facing the door, but his attention was focused on Katie, she was sure. Katie certainly wasn't paying attention to the door. Still, it felt akward, watching two people doing this kind of thing. She was invading, but it was impossible to look away.

"Why won't..you let me..help.." came Sirius' voice again, quiet and gruff, startling Lily out of her thoughts.

"Wha..Uhnn.." came Katie's voice, obviously confused, but not in the right state to express it. She seemed to remember Sirius' request, though, because her voice was almost as quiet as his.

Lily's green eyes blinked, trying to get used to the beauty in front of her. The moon must have come out from behind the clouds, because suddenly the silver light spilled through the window. Sirus's body suddenly lit up, and Lily's eyes traveled down the expanse of him. She was surprised by how...beautiful he was. His skin..beautiful and unmarred, so different from her own. She felt a pang of something in her stomach, and felt the need to move. She now understood the fidgity attitude Adrienne had had earlier. It was uncomfortable. Still, she didn't move, too transfixed.

The sound of their action's began to speed up. There was a slightly liquid, slick sound now, and Adrienne's breath picked up to the point of where she sounded like she was hyperventilating. Lily bit her lip once again, knowing that she should look away. She should look away right...right now. Guiltily, she looked down at her shoes.

"Oh, God, Sirius!" came Katie's voice, and Lily assumed that she had reached her peak.

"Lily.." came Sirius' voice again, light and relieved. Lily's eyes widened, and her head snapped up, surprised. Had he really just...said her name while having sex with Katie? But as she looked up, she realized that he was looking right at the crack in the door. Right at her prying eyes.

"What? Lily?" Katie said, startled.

"Yes. Lily." Sirius said softly, as he leaned down and kissed Katie softly, looking away from Lily as she stood, mortified. She felt as though she were disconnected from her body, as she stepped back and let the door shut softly.

She quickly fled back up the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room, trying to get the images out of her head. Get the way he whispered her name out of her head. 'Why won't you let me help.' Had that been directed towards her, too? He probably thought she was a creep, watching Katie and him like that. How long had he known she was standing there, watching?

Sighing, she sat down on the loveseat in the Gryffindor Common Room, closing her eyes tightly. She could stop seeing them, Sirius above her. She couldn't stop hearing it, the noises they both made and the sound of their bodies against eachother.

She didn't know how long she sat their, but before long, she heard the portrait door swing open, and then shut a few moments later. She stiffened, and hoped she could blend into the material. She watched as Sirius came around, and head towards the stairs up to the boys dormitories.

"Lily, you really should go to bed. You wouldn't want to oversleep." came his voice, as he walked up the stairs.

After his footsteps were gone, she raised herself off the loveseat and up the steps into her dorm. She removed her cloak, and the rest of her clothes until she was wearing only a shirt. And for the first night in a long time, she went to bed without bleeding, too tired and too confused to make herself.

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	4. Chapter 4

**This fanfiction is part of my healing process. Every line that is written keeps me from falling back into this cycle. **

**I realized I've never put up a disclaimer. In case you all were wondering, any character you recognize doesn't belong to me. I only wish. I am getting no money from this. This statement applies to this chapter, previous chapters, and all future chapters, so I don't have to put it up again.**

**I know I should be shot. It's been months and I know it. I'm sorry. I'd also like to ask that if you do review, please do not bring the ridiculous labels in. 'Emo' is not necessary and not appreciated.**

**Enjoy, and review, please. They're love. **

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**Four.  
_Keep the Lies Up._**

Two weeks. It had been two weeks. She had the time down to the hours, minutes, and seconds. Every second was another tick in her head, another scream from her skin, begging to be torn open, another voice in her head whispering dark things into her heart. She didn't know how normal people could stand this; this living without bleeding. It was infinite torture, and she felt so disgusting that she feared her body might explode in an effort just to get away from her.

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since Sirius had spoken to her, or even looked at her. The only time she ever heard his voice was on her patrol, when she listened to him and Katie enjoying each other's flesh, all the while he was

calling out her name.

. ... .

"No one? Well, then, Lily Evans, what about you?" Professor McGonagall said, when no one had answered her question willingly.

Lily didn't appear to have heard, instead sitting with her hair in front of her eyes, one hand propping her chin up and the other holding a quill to the parchment, still.

"Miss Evans?" Nothing. "...Is she sleeping?" McGonagall asked outloud, incredulous. Lily had always been one of her best students.

The girl sitting next to Lily leaned over and looked, without touching her, before looking back at McGonagall to confirm her suspicions.

"Well, wake her up!" McGonagall said, annoyed that the girl didn't know to do that without being told. When the girl shook Lily's shoulder lightly, Lily jumped, her entire body twitching away from the girl's touch. In Lily's surprise, her hand knocked over her small container of ink, which spilled all over her (nonexistant)notes, and her cloak.

"Nice of you to join us, Miss Evans. Care to answer my question?" McGonagall asked, her voice slight in its annoyance.

Lily, dripping ink and mind fuzzy from sleep, or lack of, took a moment to process the woman's words.

"Miss Evans?"

"Ahh...no, Professor. I'm sorry. I'm just really not feeling well. I think I need to go to the hospital wing." Lily said, flicking her wand at her robes and at her books. They neatly flew into her bag, which she then picked up to put over her shoulder.

"Do you need me to walk you, Lily?" came a familiar voice from the other side of the room. Lily didn't have to look up, but she did, meeting James' dark brown eyes. Almost against her will, her eyes shifted next to James, finding the sapphire eyes of Sirius. Blank, observant eyes. She looked away.

"I can walk, thanks, Potter," Lily said, shortly.

"No, Miss Evans, if you're not feeling well, Mr. Potter can escort you," McGonagall interjected. "Unless you'd rather stay?" she asked, raising her pencil thin eyebrows.

"I--Ahh...Fine." Lily said, ignoring James as he stood up and walked quickly to catch up to her.

She had already crossed the broad room, keeping her eyes on the door she wished to escape through, trying to ignore two sapphire orbs following her every move.

. ... .

"She wouldn't say a bloody word to me!" James exclaimed, when he and Sirius left McGonagall's class. James had walked Lily to the hospital wing, and had returned in less then ten minutes. "Not a single one! I just kept babbling on like an idiot, and she wouldn't even acknowledge my presence--no, my existance! Like I was a fly or something."

Sirius listened to James' rant, his eyes falling to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

"Ahh..Prongs? Did you actually take her to the hospital wing?" he asked, in what he hoped was a casual tone.

James looked at him oddly. "Just to the entrance. Why?"

"No reason. I'm going to catch you later, alright? I've got to go do something," Sirius said, hitting James lightly on the shoulder.

"Alright, man. Hey, do you know where Moony is?" James asked.

"Nah. Sorry. Check the Common Room."

Nodding, James walked off, still looking upset over Lily's lack of attention to him.

Once he was sure that James was no where in sight, he stepped into girl's bathroom, hoping that he wouldn't see again what he had seen last time.

"Lily?" he called softly.

"She's in that stall." Myrtle said, popping up out of no where, right in Sirius' face, making him jump back. She giggled, and then winked at him. Her voice then dropped to a whisper, "Isn't it just terrible what she does to herself? Really. She's all covered in scars. Everywere. And, you know, sometimes she just sits there and _looks_ at them, like they're art or something," Myrtle said, before giggling again. "Still, I like to watch, though. It's so nice to see someone more miserable then me..."

Ignoring her, Sirius walked to the stall that Myrtle had pointed out. The door was shut and locked, but Sirius tapped his wand to it, and the door opened very slightly. Nervous, he pushed open the stall door.

Lily was sitting there, her back propped up against the side, her feet straight in front of her, crossing the length of the stall and going into the next one over. His eyes went to her face, and noted that her eyes were shut tightly. Sleeping, maybe?

"Lily?" he asked quietly. "Lily, are you awake?" There was no sign of acknowledgement, so Sirius assumed she was, in fact, sleeping.

His blue eyes trailed from her feet, up to her legs, where they stayed. He didn't understand his weird curiousity, but it was there. Without a moment's hesitation, he grabbed the bottom of Lily's knee-length skirt, and lifted it to view Lily's legs. Lily didn't stir, and Sirius allowed his gaze to travel over the purple, slightly raised scars that twirled and twisted around her legs. Though there were some almost-healed scabs, there were no fresh ones. He ran his fingertips lightly over the scars, and cringed when he looked at the inside of her thighs.

Words had seemingly been carved into her flesh long ago, and were faded to pink, bold letters. 'Whore', 'Fuck up', and 'Worthless' were among the many, and stood out to Sirius simply because they were the biggest and looked angry.

A small hand grabbed at his wrist, nails digging into the underside. Surprised, Sirius gasped, and looked up, meeting Lily's emerald gaze.

"Enjoying the view?" She snarled between her teeth, flinging his hand away from hers, and pulling her skirt back down to cover her exposed thighs.

"Lily, no, I just came in here to make sure--"

"Make sure I wasn't cutting myself open? Like you give a damn, Black." Lily hissed, as she attempted to stand up in the cramped space of the stall.

"What is that supposed to mean? I'm here, aren't I? I obviously give a damn."

Lily managed to stand, and once she did, it was easy for Sirius to do the same. The redhead rolled her eyes, and glared at him, "Oh, yes, Black. You care _so_ much. So much that you haven't even looked at me for two weeks. So much that you won't even talk to me," she snapped.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, "Did you _want_ me to talk to you?" he asked, "Because, from what I remember, you told me to go to hell."

Lily was quiet. Before he had said it, she hadn't realized that she did _want_ him to talk to her. But now, she realized she did. She didn't have anyone to talk to, especially about this. She was lonely. She looked down at the floor, "I'm not doing this for attention, though. That hurt to hear. I didn't force you to follow me."

Sirius' eyes softened, but Lily was still looking at the ground and didn't notice it, "I know you're not. I'm sorry. I was just...surprised."

"I know."

Sirius and Lily remained quiet for a little while, but soon Sirius spoke again, "I don't know you, Lily. I'm sorry I acted like I did. But I care about you. My best friend is absolutely in love with you, and so I have love for you. I just want to help you."

"I don't need help, Sirius. Really, it's not a big deal."

"I think you do. And it is a big deal, Lily. You're in pain."

There was silence between them, and then Lily spoke.

"Sirius, I really don't want to talk about this. Not now, not ever," she said, her voice quiet.

"Lily--"

"No, really. Please. I thought I did, and now I realize I don't."

Sirius looked at her, his eyes full of frusteration and determination.

"Are you going to stop?" Sirius asked.

"I don't think so."

"So you're just going to keep cutting yourself? You're beautiful, Lily, why would you want to ruin that?" Sirus asked, looking at her.

Lily's brilliantly green eyes flashed once, and then turned sad.

"Silly Sirius," she said, kissing him on the cheek, and then she opened the stall, and slowly walked out of the bathroom without another word.

Once she was gone, Sirius stared at the spot she had been, before punching the stall. A flash of pain went through him, starting from his knuckles all throughout his arm, and Sirius found himself wondering why Lily liked it so much.

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**Please review. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Enjoy, and review. Be careful reading this chapter, though. It could be slightly disturbing. And triggering to any who suffer from this.**

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**Five  
_Memories._**

. ... .

_He was big._

_She was small._

_She was innocent and he,_

_he_

_was not._

_And when he finished with her,_

_she wasn't anymore, either._

. ... .

Her stomach clenched and it felt as though everything was being pushed up. The smell of vomit leaked into the air, and she felt it on her lips and in her hair. Her eyes opened, as she leaned over her bed, shocked awake by her body's reaction to the dream.

"Lily?! Are you okay?" the voices of her concerned roomates reached her, but she couldn't respond, her stomach too unstable to respond. She felt more vomit come out of her mouth, and squeezed her eyes shut.

"She needs to go to the hospital wing!" one of her roomates, whose name Lily couldn't remember at the moment, said, panic leaking into her voice.

"No," Lily forced out, "No," she stood, carefully keeping out of the vomit as she stood out of bed. Her head was really fuzzy and she was confused, but her stomach was starting to feel better. Out of instinct, she grabbed her wand off her bedside table, as she walked towards the door.

"Lily, where are you going?" called one of her roomates, as she swung the door shut and began walking down the stairs, and out of the portrait hole.

. ... .

She didn't really remember how she got into the corridor. She remembered blurrs and voices, but all she really knew was that she was cold, reeked of vomit, and was out of her dorm after hours. And that her head hurted like hell.

Deciding to fix the reeking of vomit problem, she walked towards the girl's communal bathroom on the seventh floor. Her bare feet made slapping noises on the floor, and once she got to the portrait that slid open to the bathroom, she whispered the password and stepped inside.

The room was cold, but it had a comfortable feeling about it. There were large tubs carved out of marble, as well as shower stalls. Lily stripped herself of clothes, and walked over to one of the tubs. She began to fill it with water, chosing not to fill it with scents and bubbles. Her hands shook as she turned the handle, and she bit her lip. Then, she walked over to one of the stalls, turning on the water while she stood under it. She enjoyed the initial blast of cold water that hit her, before the hot took over. She rinsed her hair of the vomit, and selected one of the shampoos. Once clean, she stepped out of the shower, and walked over, still naked, to the tub that was almost full.

She dipped her foot into the water and held it in the water for a while. The water was hot, too hot, which was the way Lily had wanted it. She then sat down on the edge, and lowered herself into the water. Instantly, from her toes to the top of her breasts, she felt like she was in a slow-cooker. She closed her eyes and sighed, her back resting against the side.

She remembered now. Why she had fled from the Gryffindor tower. And why she reeked like vomit. She had had a terrible dream. One of the worst. _The _worst, actually. During the course of it, she could feel hands on her, and his breath on the back of her neck. She could feel his fingers moving down and...

She opened her eyes. In the semi-darkness of the bathroom, she felt for her wand at the edge of the tub. After what seemed like an eternity, her fingers touched the smooth surface of her wand, and she gripped onto it with her fist. For a second, she just looked at it, wondering if it were worth it. Nineteen days she had gone without it, was it worth ruining that because of a memory?

The wand flashed a golden color; she had spoken the spell without speaking. The very word _Venas _seemed dirty coming from her mouth, after so long without it. She raised her other hand to test the sharpness of the point of the wand with her fingertip. Without applying barely any pressure to it, the wand cut through the skin and a drop of blood appeared. She pulled her hand back quickly, and lifted herself out of the tub, onto the edge, so that her legs, from her knees to her feet, were still in the water.

At this point, her heart was racing. Her lungs felt like they were too small to give all the oxygen to her body that she needed. She closed her eyes, the screaming in her head reaching a maximum level as she neared closer to the moment she'd been craving for so long. While her eyes were closed, she could hear the thumping of her heatbeat in her ears, her veins expanding and compressing with every inhale and exhale from her lungs. Her body was so _loud_, she had never realized it before.

She felt the tip of her wand on the skin of her leg, her arm moving as if someone else controled it. It stilled for a moment, and Lily wondered if maybe, just maybe, she could stop before she went any further. How hard was it? She could just say the counterspell on her wand, put her clothes on, and walk back to the Common Room.

Eyes still closed, the ghost-hands reappeared on her body, touching, pinching, rubbing, taking, breaking. Lily felt a whimper escape her lips as her wand dragged across the surface of her skin. Pain, blinding, searing, burning pain flooded through her body, and the relief was almost tangable. Every slice into her skin, every drag of her wand over the top of her flesh, made her body a little less loud, the voices a little quieter, the memories a little less real. The blood flooded from her body, down her legs, and into the water in the bathtub below, staining the clear liquid a hazy red. Lily knew she would have to stop soon, she was losing too much blood.

When she opened her eyes, she affirmed that this was one of her worst sessions, ever. Gashes in her leg looked deep, and some collapsed in on themselves, exposing tenions and fat cells. She gagged, looking away. Those definitely weren't pretty. She preformed the counter spell of _Venas_, and then began sealing the cuts. There were so many, and they were so deep that it took her longer than usual to heal them. She had lost so much blood that she was slightly dizzy. Once they were healed, she looked at the water, and for a moment she watched her blood swirl and dance in the water, as if it were alive.

Which, Lily supposed, it was. That was her life down in that water, dancing and happy to finally be free of her body.

She stood up, ignoring the blinding pain in her legs, and walked over and pulled the drain.

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**Review please. Next chapter will really show interaction with Lily and Sirius, I promise. This was mostly a filler chapter. And a way to really get into Lily's head.**


	6. Author's Note

**As you all probably expect, I'm discontinuing Secrets. It's not that I don't want to finish it, but the subject matter is too much for me to deal with at this time of my life. Maybe, one day, I'll take to rewriting this, but I'm not promising anything. **

**I do plan on writing more, though. Just not with this story. Keep an eye out for me, if you're interested.**


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